Missing My Girl

This time one year ago was the last night that my heart was fully complete. Ever since then, there has been a void.... It has been missing a piece that is shaped like a paw print.

 

 

There isn't a day that goes by that I haven't wished I could snuggle you up on the couch or in bed. Coming home is always lonely without your little waggle at the door. Somedays I just want to leave all the food on the floor in hopes that you'll be back to get it.
 

 

Your little humans still talk about you. In Kinley's eyes you still even out our family... 3 girls and 3 boys. Wyatt still says "Tobie is my best girl". Rylan would have loved you so much.

 

 

 

I know you are well and eating all the dog treats but our house, our yard and our hearts aren't the same without you.

My Girlfriend

 

 

  

 

When I think about it, it's hard to breathe. My heart is in shambles. My brain knows it is the right thing to do but my heart breaks over and over and over and over again just thinking about it.

 

 My bestie, my little lover, my snuggle buddy. My sidekick, my nurse, my partner that never complained about going to school, my number one model. My advetureer, my hunter. My house alarm, my door guardian, my mop. My first baby, my girlfriend.

 You showed me in one fail swoop the kind of Daddy your Daddy would make. Your brown eyes warmed me. Your kisses were always just right. You fit right into the nook of my legs. You overflowed my heart. You gently loved the other babies that were brought into your world. You captured the hearts of many. You are irreplaceable. You are forever loved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Though it is often hard to see by being trampled or squished, your little humans have grown to love you. They love calling you first thing in the morning. They love showering you with treats and "training you." They always make sure you are out of harms way in the driveway (as if you needed help). They watch out for you as people pass by on the street. They love to greet you when we get home and find out where you've been napping. They love to walk you. They know you are the glue that keeps our family together.

 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When you came into my life, I wasn't expecting you. I wasn't sure if I was actually fit to have you. Now I struggle to think of life without you. Family pictures will never be complete. Saturday morning snuggles and loafing on the couch will never be the same. Afternoon naps won't be as comfy.

 

 

 

 

 

Be sweet. Give your gentle kisses. Soak up all the sun. Always know that you are so loved. 

 

 

Heaven is a much sweeter place now, girlfriend!

Sibling Love

As I navigate this thing called motherhood, this is something that constantly sticks in my mind. 

I want my babies to always love each other. 

Not just because they are siblings but because they are friends.

They have an adorable love for each other now. Though most pictures do not show happiness on both of their faces.... case in point...

I want them to be friends.

I want them to always be a phone call away.

I want them to have a silly group text. (I wouldn't mind being part of it too!)

Someday they will be grown ups and they will need each other in some way.

I want their children to have cousins that feel more like siblings and aunts and uncles that feel like bonus parents.

I want them to have fun family gatherings.

I want them to go on family vacations together.

I want them to always have each other's back.

I want them to look up to each other and be proud that they are siblings.

I want their relationship to be two sided.

I want for them what I don't have. 

I pray that their Daddy and I instill that into them so that nothing will ever break it.

Three Years

Oh Kinley Binley, where has the time gone?

Three years ago, you stole the hearts of many. You were loved more than you could imagine before you were born. Yet you are loved even more today.

you have to look closely but that third finger is up!
we practiced!

You have such a fun, sassy and determined personality. You are smart. {at 16 months, your Pa always told me that you were smart but I thought he was just being a doting great grandpa. Turns out that he knew what he was talking about. He would be proud as a peacock to see you now.} You recognize all 26 letters and can tell the sound they make too. You can count to 20 without skipping a beat. You like coloring, cutting, gluing and crafting. You love puzzles and figure them out quickly. You are a pro at 24 piece puzzles.

You are a kind and caring big sister, most of the time. You love to take of your brother. If he is crying you will run over, pat his back and tell him, "It's okay, Bubba." In the car, you will sing Jesus Loves Wyatt or the song Miss Rachie sings at school, "Wyyyatt, Wyyyatt, Wyatt in the morning, Wyatt in the noon time..." If you are out of bed before him, you run over, push his door open and switch on the light saying, "Good morning, Sushine!!" Then you will sing him one of our morning songs. You will bring him milk, share your snack and try to hold (a little too tight most of the time) him in your lap. At Sam's, you will try to tell the door person that you want two smiley faces on the back of the receipt... one for you and one for Wyatt. You also like to boss your brother around. If he is crying, you have been known to say, "Shhhh! Too loud! I donwanna hear it, Brother." or push him out of your way. At the end of the day though, you are a little lover with him.

You love your Daddy the most. You love to wait for him to come home. You like to make a "bench seat" with him at the dinner table. You love to have him rock you at bed time. When I wake you in the summer, the first words out of your mouth are, "Where's Daddy?". Shortly after that you ask to call him at work. You like to go outside and wave bye to him from the porch but then dart to the backyard windows as soon as he drives away so you can watch for him to drive by. Your love for him is so sweet but not as sweet as the love he has for you.

You are always on the go. You love swinging and going higher and faster. You love jumping--- off the stairs, off the porch, off the coffee table, off the couch. You name it, you'd probably jump off of it. You will push a kitchen table chair anywhere to help you reach something. You love to "be your good helper". You know where things go and will tell someone if it isn't right. You like to be in the pantry. You will drag your brother in there and play with the packages of fruit snacks while trying to open the chips, Cheez-Its, etc.

we rescued this baby bird from the jaws of Tobie and safely put it in the flowerbed

You prefer riding in Gussy (Dad's truck) over Fancy (Mom's car) but if we let you choose... you would probably pick Sherbie (Dad's 55 Chevy). You like cruising the driveway in your pink and purple jeep. You like to ride your Minnie Mouse bike "down Gerald's street" but haven't quite figured out the brakes. You love to explore, pick up bugs and frogs, and help with anything. You love seeing big equipment... cement mixers, buses, semi trucks, dump trucks and helicopters just to name a few.

Some funny stuff that you say--
*Chicken-Flavit for Chick-Fil-A
*O Kahuna's House for Hideaway Pizza
*Buffalo Wil' Mingo for Buffalo Wild Wings
   (those of you close by can probably tell that we frequent Tulsa Hills.... a lot)

*MissCalisters for McAlisters

*granolin or just olin bars for granola bars
*Will you roll my window out? - when you want your window in the car rolled down
*pony doggy taily- is a regular pony tail
*doggy- in regards to your hair, is when the pony is on the top side of your head
*diaper tail- the diaper pail
*thlee- is the number three
*smoke-atector- the smoke detector which you have paid a lot of attention to lately so we talk about what it does and what we do if it goes off. We even made it go off so you could hear what it sounds like.
*I ahmost waited too yong!- this is said when you think that you almost waited too long to go potty. If I try to correct you, you enunciate the Y even more. In all other cases, you pronounce your Ls.
*For thine is the kingdom, the power and the girly forever. Amen -at night when you say your Lord's Prayer

Your three year well child check up was on July 10th. You weighed in at 32.6 pounds and are 37.4 inches tall. You are pretty well potty trained during your waking hours. Occasionally, you will have an accident right at the potty. Your size five diapers suit you well for over night and napping. You wear mostly 2t clothes. 3t also fits you and gives room to grow. You have started wanting to pick out some of your own clothes or at least say if you want to wear a dress or not. You wear a size 7 in shoes but still love to wear some that are bigger since you can get them off and on easier. Your favorite food is macaroni and cheese. Currently, your favorite color is purple and your favorite animal is a cow.

On July 11th, we had a Kinley and the Purple Crayon party. Friends and family came over to play in the water, eat snacks, bust a pinata and open presents. Your cupcakes were homemade and you got to do the purple scribble icing on top.

My Sweet Little Snowflake,
It is hard to believe three years have gone by. You make being a mommy so fun, even when you test the limits. As parents, I hope we can teach you to be honest, compassionate and strong (strong willed, strong with your family and friends, strong in your faith).  As you grow, I hope you know and remember that you are a beautiful and smart girl that can do anything you put your mind to.

I'll love you forever,
Mommy

Chalk It Up

In 1993, my Pa started a tradition in me. Chalking. It truly started with painting a banner for my Mom's 40th birthday...

excuse all the blank space and that mop in the background. Oh, wait! That's my hair!!
Sheeesh! I should have listened to my Mama and got that hair out of my face!
And those bangs!

Then for years and years and years after that I did chalking for various occasions. Birthday? Chalk it. Anniversary? Chalk it. Good luck? Chalk it. Homecoming in college? Chalk it. Coming home after a heart surgery? Chalk it. The more chalk on the driveway, the better it was. The less the person suspected it, also, the better.

Have I been busted by Pa chalking his driveway? Yes. Were there times that I totally surprised him. Absolutely. {he couldn't believe I snuck onto the back patio late at night and chalked it up without waking the dog.} There were times I had my brother along as an accomplice. It was family thing. You could also normally bet on it raining that day too. 

Today is a day I would normally have the chalk out. I miss him more everyday but know that he is always with me. Happy birthday, PaL!

Roller Coaster- part 2

This post was started months and months and months ago. It is a post about a day I don't want to relive, yet I don't want to forget it.

The original plan was pick them up Christmas morning and take them out to our house for a few hours so they could see Kinley open presents and spend time with family. Since Pa had been feeling under the weather that obviously wasn't going to be the plan anymore. After church on Christmas Eve, we took Miss Kinley by to see Nandy and Pa. She looked too cute all dolled up not to make a visit and we usually spend Christmas Eve celebrating with them. Pa was excited to see her. He did his typical doting over her and quizzing me about "Junior" as he calls Brother Bear. He seemed tired but was also taking pain meds to help with his pain. The nurses and staff did not seem concerned about how he was doing especially since he had recently had 7 liters of fluid drained from his belly.

We visited a bit and then headed home. Since we are moved into the new place, we had my dad and the in-laws over to our house for Christmas. It was nice not having to travel... I could get used to that! There is just something you know about getting a phone call early in the morning. When I rolled over at 6 a.m. and saw it was the nursing home, I knew something wasn't right. The nurse said they went in to do their regular morning routine and Pa just wasn't very responsive. When I asked about Nandy, they told me that she just reached out from her bed to grab a hold of one of their hands as if she knew something wasn't right. 

I got out of bed and put some clothes on then went upstairs to wake my dad and tell my in-laws we would be venturing out so they could listen for Kinley to wake. Hubby went but insisted on coming home sooner so he would be home when Kinley woke up. I spoke with the hospice nurse, who did not know if he would make it through the day. I spent some time calling my aunt, who then called my cousins. I'm not sure what time they got on the road but they were visiting by one-ish. I also tried to get a hold of my Brother, who come to find out had left the country.

My Dad and I stayed for a while then came home to shower and do Christmas. I felt bad leaving but also knew that Pa would want Kinley to have her Christmas time. After presents and showers, Dad and I went back to visit. When we walked in, Aunt Violet (Pa's sister) and her daughter were there along with my cousin and her daughter. We all stayed and chatted for a while but then it became time to eat again. My in-laws had brought over a lasagna so I invited my cousins out to eat it. I felt compelled to see if Nandy wanted to go with us but also didn't want it to seem like I was abandoning my Pa. The girls at the nursing home thought it would be nice for Nandy to get out. We all talked to Pa before we left. I told him that we were going to take Nandy out to eat so he could rest.

We weren't gone 30 minutes when the nurse called to say he had passed. He has always been one to want to do things on his own and this was no different. He didn't want his girlfriend or family there so he waited. Secretly, I think he was probably thinking, "I wish you guys would get the hell out of here! I've got things to do and people to catch up with!"

And now, I have the job of returning to the kitchen table and telling Nandy. How the heck do you tell your grandma that?! How will she respond? What about the other family siting there? This is a terrible gig. Who signed me up for this? 

Bless dementia's heart. I see it as a blessing and a curse. It is far enough progressed for Nandy that when I told her that Pa had passed away, she just looked at me, surprised and a little concerned, and said, "What? What happened?" I told her that his body was tired and now he was no longer sick or in pain and that when she was ready we would go back to the nursing home. And that was her response so a few minutes later, we all (me, my dad, and cousins) loaded back into our cars and went back.

I love my Pa dearly but I am not a fan of seeing people that have passed away, yet, I would have sat with my Nandy if she had wanted me to. Instead, we sat in the lobby. Shortly after, my aunt, uncle and other cousin arrived. It's such a crap feeling knowing that the funniest, wittiest and most loving guy that tied your whole family together is no longer with you on Earth. We chatted and waited for the funeral home's transport to come pick up Pa.

6 short weeks earlier, I sat in the same parking lot crying that I was leaving both of my grandparents in a nursing home. Now I sit crying that I am leaving my Nandy there without Pa. I am very thankful that my dad is so caring and was willing to stay with Nandy for several days and nights. I just didn't want Nandy to be alone. I was going to stay with them but he insisted I take my pregnant self home. {I must say that he felt very comfortable there. He would meet me the front door in his socks. I asked one of the nurses if he could move in and be a live in visitor to all the sweet old people.}

As I said before, a day I don't want to relive but one I don't want to forget.

12 Months for Brother Bear

YIKES! It's already been a year! How can that happen?

Your one year check up was on March 20th. {Even when I called to schedule the appointment, the gal said, "How can it already be a year? It seems like you just brought him in yesterday as a baby." Believe me, Lisa, I know. It has gone so fast!} You weighed 19.4 pounds and are in the 10th%ile and were 28.5 inches tall putting you in the 5-10%ile. Your head was18 cm. On March 5th, I sat you on the scale at home and it said 20 pounds!
*percentiles were done on a child growth calculator at home so they may not be totally accurate but you are in the 100th%ile for cuteness!

You are wearing size three diapers, size two shoes and your clothes ranges from 6-12 months. We recently bought you some 12 month jammies that you just look too big in! Most of your

You are still a great sleeper! Some nights you wake yourself and most times put yourself back to sleep. There are times that you wake up mad because you have thrown your animals out of your bed. You seem to like having those little guys to snuggle.

This last month of your 'baby year' you worked hard at getting two teeth at once, one on either side of your top front teeth. Though those last two aren't fully in yet, it puts your tooth count up to six. While working on those bad boys, you kind of regressed on eating big people food. You are finicky on when you eat it but sure enjoy that baby food that you don't have to work at mashing up on your gums. We recently discovered how much you like broccoli. You will eat quite a few pieces in one setting.

You aren't much of a snuggler unless you are sleepy but even then you still fight the snuggles. You love to be all in your sister's business and she is not a fan of that. You have been clapping when someone says 'yay' or when you see other people clapping, like at church. When you really want something, you stare it down saying, "uh, uh, uh.". Sometimes you will sign milk when you see your cup, other times we get the "uh" and stare. This month you have also started waving at people or when you hear us say bye bye.

On your actual birthday, Kinley, Mommy and Daddy woke you up with a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday. Daddy took off to spend the day with you so you didn't have to get dressed right away. He didn't tell me much about your "Boys Day" but I'm sure it consisted of lots of manly things as well as coming to have lunch with Mom at school and picking your sister up. Grandpa O came over to hang with you as well. We all did our regular Friday night at Chick-Fil-A and then took a trip to Hobby Lobby to get some supplies for your party.

We celebrated your birthday on March 14th. Family and friends came over to celebrate you at 10:30 on a lovely Saturday morning. We went with a transportation theme to match your bedroom. 

homemade cupcakes to serve our guests
the little construction scene, complete with chocolate rocks, just tied the cupcake display together!

grape and apple cars and blueberry and orange cars
we also served sweet and unsweet "motor oil" and green "anti-freeze" to drink
thanks to pinterest for giving everyday drinks suck a catchy transportation name!

You were ready to do cake until you stuck your cute little hand in the flame of the candle. I think you did, Dad thinks you just got scared when people were shouting about your finger. 

Either way, you were not really having any it after that so we moved on to presents. It looks like there is a boy in the house now.... trucks, robot stacking blocks, a push mower,books and books about trucks, a wheel barrow, cars, gears, did I mention cars and trucks? Your favorite present was a giant bottle of bubbles and we didn't even have to blow the bubbles. You loved watching the bubble juice swish around and knocking it over.

Since you didn't do cake at your party, we tried again before bed time. Knowing how you like to play in your food at the dinner table I thought you would destroy it but you surprised me. You played a little in it and then were finished. Kinley loved "helping" you by tasting the frosting and trying to feed it to you.

I still can't believe that you are one! You will always be my sweet baby, Brother Bear!!!