Monday, October 13, 2014

Pity Party--Table for 1

I know that life isn't fair but sometimes I just want to be a little kid, mad and crying, jumping up and down shouting how "It's not fair!" 

As my babies get bigger and keep growing, there is slight ache within my heart. Not necessarily the fact that they won't listen and they won't stop growing up. No, it's the ache of my Pa missing out on this. 

The ache knowing that Kinley may only have a few memories of him and those memories will probably be ones that we have pictures or video of. Knowing that he didn't get a chance to see how much Kinley loves to ride Molly. The ache knowing that Wyatt never met him. Knowing that Wyatt never had a chance to hang with him or have his silly songs sung to him. Knowing that he didn't get to enjoy Wyatt's sweet smile.

The days that Kinley tells me, "I'na see Pa." are just heart wrenching. I love that she thinks of him. I love that she can point him out in a picture. I just wish heaven had visiting hours.

Pa always loved chatting with you!

Kinley and Wyatt,
If there is anything to tell you about your Pa, it was how much he really loved you. Even though he never met you, Wyatt, he already loved you so much. Once he knew you were cooking in my belly, he asked about you every time we talked. Kinley, he loved to brag on how smart you are. His eyes would light up when he saw you. He was so silly. He loved his family time. He was honest to a fault. He was proud. He was curious about everything and loved to learn. I hope I am able to help instill some of his traits into you both as you grow up.

I also have the ache that my Mom isn't here to be Grandma. I almost feel guilty that this ache isn't as strong but I never knew my Mom in the Grandma role. Don't get me wrong, I have the, "dang, I wish my mom had been here for ..." moments. But I have been having those for what seems like all of my life, so it almost seems normal. All those times girls want their mom, I wanted her, too. I like to think I wouldn't be able to keep her away from seeing her grandbabies. Skype would be busy every night and probably start charging us.

Okay. Enough.
End scene. {exits pity party.}

PS- now, if you need a smile, go back and read some of Pa's comments. He was such a funny guy!